~ by Barbara Greer

It’s hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight

“Angel” by Sarah McLachlan

Sundown found me once again out in the woods on the Weasley property. Ever since I arrived at the Burrow, when night approached, I’d disappear out the back door. I love the Weasleys, don’t get me wrong, but they’re a large and boisterous family. They’re great for keeping my mind off my troubles, like during the day. There’re times, though, I’d get tired of faking the smiles, of pretending everything was okay. Those times were usually at night and they were the hardest, so as soon as I could, I’d escape. And this is where I go.

I found this spot the first night I came out. There’s this five foot tall waterfall that cascades into a stream, which gurgles peacefully. On the bank of the stream lies a hollow log. I often sit on the ground and lean on the hollow log and listen. I listen to the birds as they get ready for sleep. I let the sound of the rushing water wash over me and wash away the memories. I know I’m responsible for the death of my godfather, despite what everyone says. Sirius had come to save me, Harry, from the predicament I’d gotten myself into.

I settled into my usual place in front of the log. Today had been especially hard. Today, I’d heard Sirius’ will. I decided to give the money to the Weasleys, anonymously, of course. I don’t need it. I wanted nothing to do with that wretched house-elf, so I sent him to Hogwarts. I wanted nothing to do with the house, either. I want Sirius back.

Closing my eyes, I leaned back and allowed the sound of the water to work its magic until I felt empty. When I finally felt I could, perhaps, sleep a bit, I got up and returned to the house.

So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There’s vultures and thieves at your back
And the storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lie
It’s easier to believe in this sweet madness
This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees


The next morning, I was greeted with a most aggravating and unbelievable request by our Minister of Magic. I still can’t believe he thought I’d just forget everything I went through last year because of him and go along with whatever he decides.

“I can’t believe they had the nerve to pull that stunt after everything they said about you last year,” ranted Hermione.

Hermione, one of my best friends. She’ll never know how much I appreciate her loyalty.

“Yeah, and to bring the press into it as if you’d already agreed to what they wanted,” added Ron.

Ron, my other best friend. My very first friend. Knowing what I know now, their loyalty scares me. I could have gotten them killed in the Ministry at the end of the school year. They’ve followed me around since first year, so their luck is bound to run out soon. 

I carefully maintained a mask of indifference and shrugged. “They believe what they want to believe. Nothing new about that.”

Ginny came into the sitting room and plopped onto a chair, a fierce scowl on her face. I just started to wonder what could have happened now, but then she spoke. “That foul news rag, The Daily Prophet, has changed its opinion on the whole Voldemort situation, again.”

“What’s it saying now?” I asked resignedly. 

It didn’t really surprise me. To be honest, I was expecting it. I mean, after all, my life has been nothing if not a series of well-documented ups and downs. I stop Voldemort when I was a baby, I save the Philosopher’s Stone, I’m the Heir of Slytherin because I’m a parselmouth so I’m the one unleashing the horrors at the school, I save Ginny’s life, I have a madman/murderer after me, only to find out he’s innocent and my godfather. Then I “cheated” to get into this dangerous tournament, which I seriously wanted no part of. I start telling everyone Voldemort’s back and I’m a nutter and an attention seeker. The Minister and a bunch of Aurors actually see Voldemort in the flesh so, suddenly, I’m the Chosen One. So you see, since they were saying something nice, it stood to reason something unpleasant was just around the corner. 

“It’s not saying anything, just printing letters to the editor that are calling for you to do something about Voldemort. It makes it look as if they agree with those letters without having to come out and say it. First, they call you unstable, then a hero, and now a coward. What’s next? Just once I wish Mum would let me go down there and show them what’s it’s like to be on the receiving end of bad press.”

Ginny. Ron’s little sister. She’s kind of fun to be around. She was at the Ministry last year, too. My stupid ego could have killed her, too. What would Molly have done if Ron and Ginny had been killed? She would have hated me. Shoot, I would have hated myself.

“Don’t worry about it, Ginny. I’ve certainly been called worse. I think I’m going to go take a nap.” I don’t sleep much at night. Night is when all the memories invade and I can’t stand to see them over and over again, every night.

“Harry,” Hermione asked, “are you okay?”

No, Hermione, I killed Sirius! ME! And I nearly killed several of my friends! I shouldn’t be around anyone. All I bring is death. I didn’t dare say that. It would open a can of worms that I can’t deal with. “I’m fine, Hermione. I’m just tired.”

I escaped the room before Hermione could press me further. Hermione was great, but sometimes she could be a real pain. She just can’t understand that I don’t want to talk about it. I can’t talk about it. I can see it in their eyes. They know I’m to blame, first for Cedric, and now Sirius. They act like I’ve been tainted by something ugly. I guess I probably have, though. I’m the living version of the Grim Reaper. Still, I didn’t expect it from the Weasleys. They’d always been kind to me. I thought they’d understand. Guess I was wrong. I should have known. The Weasleys seemed too good to be true.

I rolled over and drifted into a fitful sleep. Visions of Cedric’s death mixed with those of Sirius’ death, and those mixed with my parents’ murders. After only an hour, I woke feeling more tired than when I lay down. Sighing, I forced myself to my feet and out the bedroom door. I had just reached the last stair when the family was called to supper. No one noticed the somber picture I made, as though I was on the outside looking in. And I was, always have been.

I watched as the family gathered the way every family should. At the end of the day, to get together and discuss the mundane bits of their lives, for no other reason but to spend time together. Everyone joked and laughed and had a great time. No one seemed to notice the empty chair that I usually occupied. They’re probably glad I’m not there.

While watching the Weasleys, it finally hit me. I’m never going to have that. Sirius is gone. I could’ve had that with Sirius, but because of me, he’s dead. Oh, Sirius! I’m so sorry! I never meant for anyone to get hurt! I could feel it all bubbling up, threatening to break out in a scream of anguish. Clenching my jaw against the tide, I took a few deep breaths to center myself. Quietly, I snuck out through the front door. It was a little early, but I headed for the only place I knew. 

I was practically running by the time I reached my spot. My emotions threatened to erupt, I could feel the cracks in the dam. Seeing the Weasleys like that, what I’d lost with Sirius overwhelmed me. My legs giving out, I sank to my knees and stayed there, shaking, visions of what could have been running before my eyes. The mealtimes in which we’d talk about my parents or whatever, the Quidditch games we could have attended, being teased when I began dating. All those things are just faded dreams and it all came back to me. Me, Harry. I am the reason. There was just no getting around it.

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there

I was so caught up in my thoughts, I had no idea I’d been followed. When I heard the twig snap, I merely looked up to see who had intruded upon my moment of weakness. I was somewhat surprised and yet a bit relieved to see Ginny standing there. Ginny I could handle, but no one else.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt. I felt like getting out of the house. This is one of my favorite spots to come and think. I like to lie down in the grass and close my eyes. It kind of takes you away from everything. Sorry, you probably want to be alone. I’ll just go now.”

Ginny turned to walk away. Before I realized what I was doing, my hoarse voice called her back. “Wait. You can stay. If you want. If you don’t mind me being here.”

“You were here first, the decision is up to you.”

“Stay.”

She had a sad smile on her face she walked over to her patch of grass, which fortunately or unfortunately, depending on one’s point of view, happened to be next to me. I watched as she ran her hands along the grass, checking for rocks, tossing a few into the water, before lying down. Head cushioned by one hand, the other resting on her stomach, she closed her eyes. She said absolutely nothing else for a few minutes, which is what I liked most. It’s also likely what made me start spewing my thoughts as if I was a muggle soda bottle that had been shook up. My emotions were the soda under pressure that I kept a tight lid on. Ginny’s silence was the equivalent of the shaking motion and suddenly I was pouring out my heart. I had finally exploded. 

“It’s always my fault. If I’d acted quicker, Cedric would still be alive. Or if I’d just taken the damn Cup when he’d offered it instead of insisting on us both taking it. Then there’s Sirius.” Tears began to fall, but I didn’t try to hide them or stop them; I couldn’t. “I just had to go running off to save him, as if I was the best qualified one to do that. It just hit me a few minutes ago that he’s really gone.” 

The teardrops became rivers. The dam had broken. I wrapped my arms around my middle and hunched over, anguish, guilt, and shame filling every part of me. The next thing I knew, Ginny was placing my head on her shoulder, wrapping her arms around me and holding me.

“Watching your family tonight,” I said through my tears, “I kept seeing how things could have been if Sirius were still alive. What we would have talked about, joked about, what we would have done together. I had it in my hand. It was right in my hand and I LOST IT! Going to the reading of the will made it all real. Then the Minister and those press vultures showed up, preying upon my pain. Hearing what the Daily Prophet is now reporting. It got to be too much. I can’t take it anymore. It hurts! Is it ever going to stop hurting? Please,” I begged, “make it go away. I just want it to go away.”

“You listen to me, and listen well, Harry Potter. As far as Cedric goes, the only thing you’re to blame for is for being true to yourself. Suggesting you both take it was you being you, Harry. As for Sirius, okay, you may have some of the blame to shoulder, but not all of it.” The next words she spoke very deliberately. “Sirius chose to leave the safety of the house. He knew the chance he was taking. You made an honest mistake. Sirius would want you to continue living. That’s what he’d expect you to do. And I, for one, plan on making you do just that.”

I could feel one hand rubbing my back, up and down. The other, she ran through the hair at the back of my head. Then she spoke softly. “I don’t know if the pain will ever truly go away, but I’m sure it’ll lessen with time. Until then, I want you to do something for me. Whenever you feel you’re drowning in those negative feelings, picture this waterfall and stream. Pitch those feelings into the water and watch them float away. That’s the important part here. You have to watch them, in your mind, floating away. But if you ever want to talk, I’m willing to listen.”

Slowly, Ginny’s soothing voice penetrated my brain. What she said made a certain kind of sense. It surprised me to hear her agree with my assessment of the Sirius disaster. No one had ever said that to me before. It was quite refreshing. Yes, she thought I shouldered some blame, but not all of it. No one else would speak of Sirius, and here’s Ginny kneeling and talking to me about him and telling me to remove the guilt trip I had put on myself and to let myself grieve.

I don’t know why, but she actually helped. Maybe it was her no-nonsense attitude; I couldn’t say, but I was grateful. All I knew was that, for once, I didn’t feel as if I was going to collapse from the weight anymore. It was much easier than I thought it would be to spill all my secrets and ideas and emotions. The wondrous thing about it was, she didn’t judge, she didn’t pry. She listened, then told me off. She’s like an angel I can talk to whenever I feel the need to unload. Tonight, she forced me to take a look at things and made me realize that I haven’t been honoring Sirius’ memory very well.

It dawned on me we were still kneeling, her arms around me, my head on her shoulder. I looked up and I saw the face of an angel, as well. I could see tear tracks on her cheeks where she’d shed tears for me, me! Our lips were literally millimeters apart. I wanted to tell her what it meant to me, having her here. I tried, I really did, but no words would come, so I did the next best thing. I kissed her. It wasn’t anything outrageous, but I tried to convey everything in that kiss. She must have understood, for when we parted, she smiled, cheeks wet with tears again.

I reached up to wipe away the wetness. We rested our foreheads together and wrapped our arms around each other. Neither of us wanted to leave that spot, so we didn’t for quite some time. We stayed there, listening to the babbling of the creek and the rush of the waterfall as the sun slowly went down. I felt clean and whole for the first time since Sirius died, all thanks to my guardian angel. 

You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there.